Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
