So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
