So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
