also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
