I just cut my nipple shaving
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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