So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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