I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
