After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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