and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
