she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
