my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize