The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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