So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
