So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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