This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize