Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
