Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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