Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
