I accidentally had phone sex last night
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
