Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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