I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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