I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
