I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
