He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
