Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
