I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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