the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
