cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
