Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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