if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
