just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
