Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
