My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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