my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
