But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
