someone threw a dead crab at me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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