If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
