Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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