dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
