I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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