Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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