I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
