just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
