she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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