I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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