dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Be still, my beating vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
