Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
