also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
