We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
