Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize
