There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
