did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
