I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
