Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
