got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
