he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
