I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
