Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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